Heart In My Hands
by OblivionIsAtHand
Summary: She had a hard time believing it herself. Dying. Coming back to life. Working for the terrorist organization that once cost her her entire unit... now this. Still, there was nowhere she'd rather be. Done for the kmeme. TIM/Paragon!FemShep, possible other (one-sided) pairings.
1. Chapter 1

"Jack... "

She sighed as she stirred. Their nude forms rested as one in the classy suite's bed. Her head was on his chest, their legs intertwined like a braid. She traced circles with one hand on his lean, mildly toned chest. Realization was dawning on her, she'd be going through the Omega 4 Relay soon now. She'd given the team one last shore leave, the ship's crew was to stay and get the final preparations before the mission that might be their last.

"What is it?" He cooed and planted a small kiss on her hairline, concern was badly hidden in his voice, it echoed her own. He knew the answer, but asked anyway.

"It's just..."

"The mission?" He said before she could go on. He tightened his embrace, nuzzling her silky, flame-colored hair. The commander stirred again, she wanted this to never end.

"...this maybe the last time we're together like this," she said hesitantly. She hated how she sounded, she wasn't supposed to show weakness like this. Not even to her lover.

"I have nothing but the utmost faith in you, Shepard," he said. And he meant it, even if he couldn't help but worry. He felt her hand now tracing erratic patterns. With his free hand, he clasped her hand in his and planted a kiss on it. Shepard sighed again. He let it go and placed his hand on her freckled cheek, gently, but assertively, moving her to meet his eyes. "Jane, you've done everything right. The crew is loyal to you, the ship is the best the galaxy has to offer. You will succeed".

Their eyes locked. His gaze was fierce, piercing. Passionate. That was the man she'd come to know as Jack Harper. Only a handful of people had knowledge of that name, some of which were now dead because of it. To everyone else, even her a couple of months ago, he was the Illusive Man, head of terrorist organization, Cerberus.

Thinking back, two years ago- hell, a few months ago- had someone told her this is where Commander Jane Shepard, savior of the Citadel, sole survivor of Akuze, would be this moment, she'd have punched the fucker right across the face. Dying. Being brought back to life. Working with Cerberus... now this. She had a hard time believing it herself.

Yet here she was, in a five-star hotel on Illium; spending what might be, again, her final moments, lying naked in bed with him, after a night of passionate, animalistic sex. There was nowhere else she'd rather be.

Shoving her mind back to the present, Shepard smiled. She leaned in to put her lips on his. It was a slow, sensuous kiss. Jack Harper was so much more than the ever elusive, Illusive Man. Jane didn't claim to know him inside out, nor did she see eye to eye with his methods. She was not naïve to think she could change him, but she understood where he was coming from.

Jack was the one who broke the kiss. His prosthetic eyes were still focused on her. Jane was fascinated by them. Their intensity mirrored his personality and their beauty was mysterious, much like his operations within Cerberus. At this point, they were something she'd feared finding out more about. But her time was short, there was no sense dwelling on this now; this wasn't how she wanted to spend her last hours of peace. She broke eye contact and laid her head back on his chest, slid her hand down to his abdomen and caressed him there absentmindedly.

"Missions like this never go as planned. I just hope you're right," she said, staring into space.

"I always am", he replied with a smirk playing upon his features.

"Cocky son of a bitch", she punched his chest playfully. He slid his hand from her waist to her hair to play with it. He knew she loved it when he did that. She purred under his touch. "Then again, if we fail, that's one monumental investment you'd be losing", she replied part jokingly, part teasingly, and part bitterly.

"Don't talk like that, Jane. You know well that's not all that you are to me," he replied, his tone serious.

"Still, I keep thinking..." She started, stirred in his arms again, "ideally, we'd sneak inside the Collector Base unnoticed, but that's _very_ off the table, consideri-"

He cut her off placing two fingers to Shepard's lips. "Shhh... No mission talk right now," he said softly. His lips curved into a smile. "Besides, you'll just be doing what you're best at". Eyes narrowed. "Now", he started, his smile turned into a smirk, "what was it you were also exceptionally good at?" He asked provocatively, sliding her under him. His lips were locked on hers in a slow, but hungry kiss. He felt one of her hands on the back of his neck deepening the kiss, the other running up and down his back.

Propped up on one elbow, Jack ran his free hand all over her curves. He broke their kiss and planted a trail of small, moist kisses down her neck. He nibbled and sucked on it, now fully on top her. Jack loved how she felt underneath him, how she writhed and the tiniest moans that escaped her lips under his touch. Her scent, it was intoxicat-

The sound of her omni-tool rudely tore both of them off their rapture. An urgent call from EDI. With a slightly annoyed sigh, Jane gently pushed at his chest and he obliged, rolling off of her. She answered it with a flick of her fingers on the holographic HUD.

"Alright, EDI, lay it on me." She said, looking at nowhere in particular. EDI's synthetic, monotone voice then filled the room, "Shepard, Jeff and I were able to get the Reaper IFF up and running. But it appears it was also a trap."

"A trap? What do you mean?"

"It appears that during its testing, it was also transmitting the Normandy's location. The Collectors boarded and took all of the surviving crew, except for Jeff, with them."

"Jef- Joker? Where is he now?" Shepard's eyes widened. Jack just watched her intently, unmoving.

"He's currently heading toward the cockpit, he sustained no injuries".

"Alright, alert the rest of the team. We meet at the dock in 30". With that, the transmission ended. Shepard jumped off the bed before Jack could say anything. There was now expectant concern in his bright, prosthetic eyes. She proceeded to search for her clothing, scattered on the floor. "I'm heading back to the Normandy", she stated, not making eye contact.

There it was. That fire in her eyes. There was no stopping her now. That was one of the things that made him respect and admire her the most. It was beautiful, enthralling. He wasn't going to bother questioning her. Jack just laid there, bare and in silence, watching her as she clothed herself again.

She leaned over and planted a small kiss on his lips, then wordlessly started towards the door.

"Jane, I..." He started, then trailed off. As she reached the door, she turned to face him, her 'Commander Shepard' mask already firmly in place. "Shepard..." He started again "Just... come back in one piece."

She kept eye contact for another moment, but gave him no reply. Finally, she walked out the door and he was left there alone. He'd be following her lead soon. The time for Jack Harper was up. It was time to be the Illusive Man again.

_Come back to me._

* * *

**A/N:** Confession time, I have no idea what I'm doing, I've never written before. That said, I'll welcome- even request- any kind of constructive criticism, be it grammar, spelling or fomatting mistakes, writing 'style', anything goes. Like I said, I have no idea what I'm doing, but I do want to learn.

Did this for the kmeme. Therefore, I'm using default FemShep; I don't normally dig defaults. The story is named after the TRUSTcompany song, "Heart In My Hands". Seemed fitting enough. Other than that, I can't really promise quick updates to though who dig this. Real life gets in the way and this is a pretty tough prompt, I just hope I didn't bite off more than I can chew. :P


	2. Chapter 2

It hadn't even been a week since they'd brought her back. Shepard was in a constant daze. Just trying to get used to the idea that, until exactly six days ago, she'd been _dead,_ was a mission in itself. Dead as a doornail. Dead as in meat and tubes. Dead as in _rigor mortis_. Dead, dead, dead. Even so, they already had her running and gunning for the good of humanity. Shepard had just returned from Freedom's Progress, the latest colony to be attacked.

It had been deserted. Not a living soul was left there other than the quarian, Veetor. They'd brought back his omni-tool data, and hopefully it'd be of use. Seeing Tali there was disconcerting. It rather rudely shoved in her face that the galaxy had gone on without her. People had moved on. Tali refused to join them. Probably because they were Cerberus. Shepard had to wonder how her other former crew would react to her being alive again.

Especially Kaidan. Even Garrus.

But judging by how her reunion with Tali went, she didn't have high hopes. Anyway, it was time to report to the Illusive Man; see what kind of intel Veetor's omni-tool contained on the Collectors. Shepard strode to the station's comm room fighting back despairing thoughts and callousness. Her whole situation wasn't helping. She still found a little solace in the familiarity of leading a team and reporting back to her superiors, but that wasn't enough; she needed people she could trust with her.

Now inside the comm room, Shepard stepped into the holographic cylinder as the transmission began. The sight of the dying star and a man sitting casually on a lone chair facing it filled her vision again. He set his drink down and turned to face her, and on his features was a ghost of a relaxed smile.

"Shepard," he started, "good work on Freedom's Progress. The quarians forwarded their findings from Veetor's debriefing. No new data, but it's a surprising olive branch, given our history. You and I have different methods, but I can't argue with your results".

"Ever thought of playing nice once in awhile?" Shepard retorted.

"Diplomacy is great when it works, but it's hard when everyone already perceives you as a threat." An unexpected response, she thought, then debated the validity of it.

"And there are reasons for that," Shepard said before she could stop herself. She knew it wouldn't lead anywhere, but she was not about to trust him just like that. And she was not about to forget Akuze. Or Admiral Kahoku.

"But more importantly, you confirmed that the Collectors are behind the abductions." He swiftly evaded her retort; there was no time for petty discussions.

"I get the feeling you expected this..."

"I had my suspicions, but needed proof. The Collectors are enigmatic at best." The Illusive Man took a short drag of his cigarette and continued. "They periodically travel to the Terminus Systems, looking to gather seemingly unimportant items or specimens, usually in exchange for their technology. When their transactions are complete, they disappear as quickly as they arrived, back beyond the unmapped Omega 4 relay. Until now, we've had no evidence of direct aggression by the Collectors."

"What aren't you telling me? How do you know the Reapers are involved?"

"The patterns are there, buried in the data." A vague answer, just as she expected. Not good enough.

"Also, why is the Omega 4 relay unmapped? What do we know about it?"

"Only that no ship passing through it has ever returned. Our best guess is that the relay reacts differently to Collector vessels, allowing them safe passage. If they can manipulate the relay, that's just further evidence of their connection with the Reapers."

That, she felt, was a more acceptable reply. Great, they were very likely looking at a suicide mission. Then again, given all they went through to get her back, it couldn't have been for a run-of-the-mill mission.

"The Council wants to believe the Reaper threat died with Sovereign. But you and I know better. I won't wait until the Reapers are on the march. We need to take the fight to them," he added. Hearing that gave her a sense of relief. Someone actually believed her. Someone was actually willing to take action. Had it been anyone else, she might've hugged him.

"If this is a war, I'll need an army. Or a really good team." Shepard straightened up her posture, trying to hide her eagerness, and she kept her voice as stoic as possible.

"I've already compiled a list of soldiers, scientists and mercenaries. You'll get dossiers on the best of them." The Illusive Man smiled; he was good at reading people. "Finding them and convincing them to work with you might be challenging, but you're a natural leader."

"Not so fast. Keep your list. I want people I can trust. I had a good team, the ones who helped stop Saren and the geth."

"Unfortunately, that was two years ago, Commander. Most of them have... moved on. Or their allegiances have changed." There was regret in his voice, but that wasn't enough. She proceeded to ask about each of her former teammates. He obliged. It was a sore reminder of how long it had been. She sighed, and he smiled again. "You're a leader, Jane. You'll get who you need."

There it was again. The way he had of putting her at ease, even when her world was still spinning. Even when she _shouldn't_ feel at ease with him. Cerberus had been behind Akuze. She owed him some of her reputation. She owed him her years of PTSD. And yet, right now, not only had they brought her back, but they were the only ones willing to help these colonies. She'd sure as hell work with Cerberus, if that's what it took to stop the attacks. But still...

"There's one more thing."

"What is it, Shepard?" He seemed genuinely curious.

"I don't make a habit of working for holograms. I'm not about to go around flying _terrorist_ colors without knowing who I'm working with," she stated assertively, staring him down.

"We can arrange for a face-to-face meeting sometime down the line. For now, build your team. I'll continue the search for intel and keep in touch. Also, I've found a pilot I think you might like. I hear he's one of the best. Someone you can trust." With that he smiled and cut the transmission.

She heard footsteps behind her.

"Hey, Commander. Just like old times, huh?"

"Joker, I can't believe it's you". Her head started spinning again.

"Look who's talking. I saw you get spaced," he said, his usual lack of finesse still there. Joker had been the last person she'd seen two years ago, before she died. He may have been the reason all this happened in the first place, but Shepard never regretted going back to save him. His words weren't the most sensitive, but she couldn't help but smile.

"Heh. I don't even know what to think," she said. "How d'you end up here?"

"It all fell apart without you, Commander. Everything you stirred up, the Council just wanted it gone. The team was broken up, records were sealed and I was grounded," he explained. "The Alliance took away the only thing that mattered to me. Hell yeah, I joined Cerberus".

"Do you really trust the Illusive Man?" There was quite a bit riding on this question. More than she let her voice show.

"Well, I don't trust anyone who makes more than I do. But they aren't all bad. Saved your life. Let me fly again." She didn't expect much from him anyway, but maybe he was right after all. They walked up to a window. "And then there's this," he continued. "They only told me last night".

Beams of light eradicated the darkness, revealing a glorious ship. Clad in Cerberus colors was the Normandy SR-2. In its exterior shape, it was almost identical to the SR-1.

"Good to be home, huh, Commander?" Joker said, not taking his eyes off of it. He wore an almost lovestruck smile. The Cerberus logos made Shepard uncomfortable; she kept thinking of all the SR-1's crew. Particularly the ones who lost their lives during the incident two years ago. No matter what, the Normandy was still one of the most advanced ships of its time. To fight the Collector threat, they would need nothing less.

"I hear that not only have they rebuilt it, they actually _upgraded _it. I mean, c'mon, the old girl was amazing already!" Joker said ecstatically. "I can't wait to see it from the inside."

Jane couldn't help but smile at her old friend's enthusiasm. "Well then, what are we waiting for?"

* * *

When Shepard and Joker finally boarded the Normandy, the whole crew was already there at work. The entrance was as far as they walked together. He darted to the cockpit immediately, and marveled at how it looked.

It was amazing. The layout was kept almost the same, but the upgrades were evident. Every chair, walkway, and terminal. Their attention to detail was astounding. She walked slowly towards the CIC, taking in everything. As Jane closed in on the steps to the galaxy map, a short, red haired woman approached her.

"Welcome aboard, Commander," she grinned warmly. "I'm yeoman Kelly Chambers. I've been assigned as your administrative assistant," she said, saluting. "I'll manage your messages, and help you monitor the crew. And I must say, it's such an honor to work under you, Commander Shepard".

"Nice to meet you, Ms. Chambers. Glad to have you on the team."

"Please, call me Kelly."

"Okay, Kelly. Can you tell me more about your work here on the Normandy?" This may be a new Normandy, but her old policies still applied. She wasn't going to treat her new crew any differently. Shepard wanted them relaxed and working in harmony. She believed it was what made her team able to achieve what they had.

"I keep you notified of any messages of appointments you have. If any of the crew has important business to discuss, I'll make sure you know."

"Is that it? Isn't that just what VI's are for?" Shepard asked, a bit puzzled.

"Yes, but being your yeoman is just my official role. Unofficially, I observe the crew. Given the nature of our mission, there's a lot of pressure on us. I have a degree in Psychology. I'm good at sensing when people are overly taxed. And I have been hand-picked by the Illusive Man," she said enthusiastically, but keeping her face neutral. Her shoulders were squared in determination, her eagerness almost overwhelming her.

"So you make sure the crew's mental health is sound. Good to have someone with your skills aboard, Kelly."

"Again, it's an honor to work under you, Commander. Under your leadership, we can't fail," Kelly replied, finally smiling, "I'll be here if you need me. Oh, and you have unread messages on your private terminal."

"Thank you, Kelly." Shepard nodded and turned to the elevator. She was itching to see how closely they'd rebuilt the Normandy... and also a bit scared.

* * *

The elevator finally stopped at the top floor, the last one to be explored. As the doors hissed open, she was greeted by a small empty hallway with a lone door at the far side. Walking over to it, Shepard touched the control panel with anticipation. She never expected what the doors revealed. She had the whole floor as her quarters. Immediately in front of her was her work area. The large desk already had a multitude of datapads waiting for her, along with her private terminal. She even had her own bathroom. Just down the stairs, the bed was massive, the white sheets immaculate and fine. Right next the bed was a glass coffee table and an L-shaped sofa encircling it.

This wasn't anything like the old Normandy and Jane was unsure how to feel. Her modest quarters in the SR-1 were all she ever needed; this was way too much. On the other hand, she was glad the place she'd retire to every night cycle didn't constantly remind her of that fated day. Seeing the old Normandy filled with Cerberus staff would not be right.

Her terminal blinked with unread messages, much like Kelly had mentioned. Under the not-so-cheery email from Anderson, was one from The Illusive Man.

_Shepard,_

_I hope you're feeling well and you've found the SR-2 to your liking. It's cutting edge technology, even better than the SR-1. Improvements were made to the ship's armor and drive, among many other things, and should give us an edge against the Collectors. But by all means don't stop there. We need every advantage we can get._

_I'm forwarding the dossiers I mentioned earlier. I suggest starting with the Salarian doctor, Mordin Solus, as he'll be able to provide us with protection against the seeker swarms. Of course, you're in charge of the Normandy, so handle it as you see fit. I've also acquired a selection of sniper rifles and armor parts. You'll find them in the armory and here in your personal quarters, respectively._

_Having that said, you're the best humanity has to offer. I have faith in your success. Let me know if there is anything more you need. I'll check in periodically and contact you as soon as I have more intel on the Collectors._

_We're counting on you. I'm counting on you_

_Illusive Man_

She had to hand it to him; he had a way of enthralling people. She could see where the utter admiration- worship, even- Miranda had for him came from, as well as the pride in Yeoman Chambers' voice as she said she'd been hand-picked by the Illusive Man. His class, his charisma was undeniable. It made her want to forget everything he stood for.

All the while, the mission was bigger than any of this. Shepard had a lot of business to attend to. Time to get going.

* * *

**A/N:** First off, MAJOR thanks to zevgirl, who did a lovely beta job for this chapter. She is also a damn good author, so do yourself a favor and go read her stuff!

To the followers of this humble little foray into authorville, I'm sorry it took so long to get a new chapter up. You know how it is, life gets in the way. But otherwise, I must confess I haven't been this self-conscious in a very, very long time. So please, if it's no trouble, take some time to drop in some crits with a review! :)


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